Taking a Leap of Faith

Breath... Just breath. I'm scared spit-less right now. Tomorrow is my first day of school. Beauty School that is, but still school. I lied to everyone just to go, and I'm going to have a panic attack if everything doesn't work out like how I want it too. Such as; I lied about KNOWING for a fact the state was going to pay for child care. I don't freaking know!! All I can do is apply, wait, and find out. Bad part is... You can't apply until your attending... Which means... Babysitting for your first month of school, basically relying on god. I also lied about the pell grants. I get 1 not 2, which means I have to pay a certain amount out of pocket AND take a FSL. I'm scared about that. I have debt not taken care of. Afraid I'm going to get sued. I just want to go to school and pay everything off with my tax returns DANG IT! Leave me alone!!! And on top of it all... I'm afraid my BF might have relapsed. Basically he did because he got prescribed Zanex and Ambien, and a crap load of Loratabs previous to that for a root canal. I love him. I love the REAL him. Not the drug him. The drug him, I want to punch in the face and yell "WAKE THE FUCK UP!" I'm so angry and hurt about it. I haven't actually caught him, but there are enough hints you'd have to be completely naive to not know. Plus I have excellent gizzards hahaha. Seriously though my gut is never wrong. But sometimes I can't tell what's clenching it until after the fact. Like, ummmm, say school. Is my gut clenching because I'm scared or because I know I shou-..... See, gizzards, its because I'm scared. I just don't want to tell myself the truth sometimes. I want to lie to myself. I'm a addicting to holding myself back. My own worse enemy. I have absolutely no faith in my self. I want ppl to hurt me and yell at me so I have the guts to do it on my own. I'm scared to do anything well. Because... if I put my entire heart into it and I fail. I don't know if I can handle it. I'm pathetic.

Racism. SUCK!

http://world-news.newsvine.com/_news/2011/09/06/7628394-muslim-travelers-say-theyre-still-saddled-with-911-baggage?pc=25&sp=350&threadId=3215867#discussion_nav


My response;


I'm half middle-eastern, half white. I know nothing about the Muslim religion and my FATHER (Muslim) retired from the US military Army. He was to busy being deployed to teach me a single thing about my ancestry. Most think I'm Hispanic, which puts me under a lot of racial crap already. What do you say when someone yells out "Go back to mexico!" What? "I'm not Mexican, I'm Pakistan and Indian, AND Caucasian!!" No... That's ridiculous. But the moment ANYONE find out I'm Half Middle Eastern I get "Where's your turban at?" and all sorts of discriminatory questions that I DON'T know the answer too. I had trouble all through middle school and high school, even though my dad was serving in the military. And ten years later I still get it because of my last name. Khan. So now I'm singled out by all the ppl that are educated enough to know I'm obviously not Hispanic and question the crap out of me. And that's a VERY small minority. So yes, all these posts do PISS me off. Your not just profiling because of how I look, because apparently I look Hispanic. I have to deal with Hispanic's getting mad at me because I don't speak Spanish and look american. Caucasians mad because "I'm TRYING to be white and I need to go back to my own country" (mexico and Iraq). Seriously already??! Neither of those are "my country". You guys say we need to blend in, I'm as blending as you can get and I still get crap. I completely understand why everyone gets targeted at the airport but the racism and belittling needs to stop. JUST STOP. There is a way to have a discussion about things, and NOT get nasty. Control yourselves and and at least TRY respect everyone in the discussion."






And guess what?? Nobody commented or even replied.... They just kept spewing out other hateful things. I've come to realize when anyone wants to be mean and not understand they just ignore. I need to remember that. Remember, remember, remember... I can't change what anyone else thinks. They have to do it on their own.

chaos in my head

I decided that this is going to be my online journal so to speak. I'm not going to worry about grammar, or what anyone else is going to think. I'm just going to write to my hearts content. I have a problem with bottling my feelings anyway... Why is it that this world has nobody that you can really share your feelings with, without them judging you? I even do it, its very rare but its still not okay with me. It actually makes me very angry at myself when I catch myself doing it. BUT I feel like I'm the only person that I know that even cares enough to try to not judge. Which is actually kinda hypocritical... Its just that, the way I see it is; you can have your feelings about things, but that doesn't mean that the person is a bad person OR a good person. They have their own feelings and emotions going on in their heads. And you never know how close to yours they may be. So be nice to ppl. Even if they don't deserve it. And filter yourself before you speak. I hear a lot of ppl say that they are just being real, but "real" isn't mean. Mean is a lack of maturity in my book. There is always a way to word something to not hurt someones feelings or stab at their pride. Usually when you do that its more damaging. I think everyone needs a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People. I for one need to read it again, its been yrs. And I have to say.... I'm even losing my touch. I'm becoming hard and prideful. The only person I'm hurting is myself. As much as I'm trying to protect my heart, I'm making it bitter. I just need to learn how to forgive the people that have really hurt me. Forgive and forget. Let it go. Breath. I want to be the girl I was when I was 17. I was naive. But lord was I nice, I had a nice thought for everyone and was so understanding. It breaks my heart that I changed, but I have grown in other ways that are extremely important. I'm not naive. And I can look at myself and say that I do have a wonderful heart. I can say that I wish I was my own best friend. And maybe that's what this journal is all about. Me finding myself and guiding myself along the way. I have to start from somewhere.