Taking a Leap of Faith

Breath... Just breath. I'm scared spit-less right now. Tomorrow is my first day of school. Beauty School that is, but still school. I lied to everyone just to go, and I'm going to have a panic attack if everything doesn't work out like how I want it too. Such as; I lied about KNOWING for a fact the state was going to pay for child care. I don't freaking know!! All I can do is apply, wait, and find out. Bad part is... You can't apply until your attending... Which means... Babysitting for your first month of school, basically relying on god. I also lied about the pell grants. I get 1 not 2, which means I have to pay a certain amount out of pocket AND take a FSL. I'm scared about that. I have debt not taken care of. Afraid I'm going to get sued. I just want to go to school and pay everything off with my tax returns DANG IT! Leave me alone!!! And on top of it all... I'm afraid my BF might have relapsed. Basically he did because he got prescribed Zanex and Ambien, and a crap load of Loratabs previous to that for a root canal. I love him. I love the REAL him. Not the drug him. The drug him, I want to punch in the face and yell "WAKE THE FUCK UP!" I'm so angry and hurt about it. I haven't actually caught him, but there are enough hints you'd have to be completely naive to not know. Plus I have excellent gizzards hahaha. Seriously though my gut is never wrong. But sometimes I can't tell what's clenching it until after the fact. Like, ummmm, say school. Is my gut clenching because I'm scared or because I know I shou-..... See, gizzards, its because I'm scared. I just don't want to tell myself the truth sometimes. I want to lie to myself. I'm a addicting to holding myself back. My own worse enemy. I have absolutely no faith in my self. I want ppl to hurt me and yell at me so I have the guts to do it on my own. I'm scared to do anything well. Because... if I put my entire heart into it and I fail. I don't know if I can handle it. I'm pathetic.