Breath... Just breath. I'm scared spit-less right now. Tomorrow is my first day of school. Beauty School that is, but still school. I lied to everyone just to go, and I'm going to have a panic attack if everything doesn't work out like how I want it too. Such as; I lied about KNOWING for a fact the state was going to pay for child care. I don't freaking know!! All I can do is apply, wait, and find out. Bad part is... You can't apply until your attending... Which means... Babysitting for your first month of school, basically relying on god. I also lied about the pell grants. I get 1 not 2, which means I have to pay a certain amount out of pocket AND take a FSL. I'm scared about that. I have debt not taken care of. Afraid I'm going to get sued. I just want to go to school and pay everything off with my tax returns DANG IT! Leave me alone!!! And on top of it all... I'm afraid my BF might have relapsed. Basically he did because he got prescribed Zanex and Ambien, and a crap load of Loratabs previous to that for a root canal. I love him. I love the REAL him. Not the drug him. The drug him, I want to punch in the face and yell "WAKE THE FUCK UP!" I'm so angry and hurt about it. I haven't actually caught him, but there are enough hints you'd have to be completely naive to not know. Plus I have excellent gizzards hahaha. Seriously though my gut is never wrong. But sometimes I can't tell what's clenching it until after the fact. Like, ummmm, say school. Is my gut clenching because I'm scared or because I know I shou-..... See, gizzards, its because I'm scared. I just don't want to tell myself the truth sometimes. I want to lie to myself. I'm a addicting to holding myself back. My own worse enemy. I have absolutely no faith in my self. I want ppl to hurt me and yell at me so I have the guts to do it on my own. I'm scared to do anything well. Because... if I put my entire heart into it and I fail. I don't know if I can handle it. I'm pathetic.
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Monday, September 12, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Racism. SUCK!
http://world-news.newsvine.com/_news/2011/09/06/7628394-muslim-travelers-say-theyre-still-saddled-with-911-baggage?pc=25&sp=350&threadId=3215867#discussion_nav
My response;
I'm half middle-eastern, half white. I know nothing about the Muslim religion and my FATHER (Muslim) retired from the US military Army. He was to busy being deployed to teach me a single thing about my ancestry. Most think I'm Hispanic, which puts me under a lot of racial crap already. What do you say when someone yells out "Go back to mexico!" What? "I'm not Mexican, I'm Pakistan and Indian, AND Caucasian!!" No... That's ridiculous. But the moment ANYONE find out I'm Half Middle Eastern I get "Where's your turban at?" and all sorts of discriminatory questions that I DON'T know the answer too. I had trouble all through middle school and high school, even though my dad was serving in the military. And ten years later I still get it because of my last name. Khan. So now I'm singled out by all the ppl that are educated enough to know I'm obviously not Hispanic and question the crap out of me. And that's a VERY small minority. So yes, all these posts do PISS me off. Your not just profiling because of how I look, because apparently I look Hispanic. I have to deal with Hispanic's getting mad at me because I don't speak Spanish and look american. Caucasians mad because "I'm TRYING to be white and I need to go back to my own country" (mexico and Iraq). Seriously already??! Neither of those are "my country". You guys say we need to blend in, I'm as blending as you can get and I still get crap. I completely understand why everyone gets targeted at the airport but the racism and belittling needs to stop. JUST STOP. There is a way to have a discussion about things, and NOT get nasty. Control yourselves and and at least TRY respect everyone in the discussion."
And guess what?? Nobody commented or even replied.... They just kept spewing out other hateful things. I've come to realize when anyone wants to be mean and not understand they just ignore. I need to remember that. Remember, remember, remember... I can't change what anyone else thinks. They have to do it on their own.
My response;
I'm half middle-eastern, half white. I know nothing about the Muslim religion and my FATHER (Muslim) retired from the US military Army. He was to busy being deployed to teach me a single thing about my ancestry. Most think I'm Hispanic, which puts me under a lot of racial crap already. What do you say when someone yells out "Go back to mexico!" What? "I'm not Mexican, I'm Pakistan and Indian, AND Caucasian!!" No... That's ridiculous. But the moment ANYONE find out I'm Half Middle Eastern I get "Where's your turban at?" and all sorts of discriminatory questions that I DON'T know the answer too. I had trouble all through middle school and high school, even though my dad was serving in the military. And ten years later I still get it because of my last name. Khan. So now I'm singled out by all the ppl that are educated enough to know I'm obviously not Hispanic and question the crap out of me. And that's a VERY small minority. So yes, all these posts do PISS me off. Your not just profiling because of how I look, because apparently I look Hispanic. I have to deal with Hispanic's getting mad at me because I don't speak Spanish and look american. Caucasians mad because "I'm TRYING to be white and I need to go back to my own country" (mexico and Iraq). Seriously already??! Neither of those are "my country". You guys say we need to blend in, I'm as blending as you can get and I still get crap. I completely understand why everyone gets targeted at the airport but the racism and belittling needs to stop. JUST STOP. There is a way to have a discussion about things, and NOT get nasty. Control yourselves and and at least TRY respect everyone in the discussion."
And guess what?? Nobody commented or even replied.... They just kept spewing out other hateful things. I've come to realize when anyone wants to be mean and not understand they just ignore. I need to remember that. Remember, remember, remember... I can't change what anyone else thinks. They have to do it on their own.
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